The alarmingly large and purple font on the website of the german embassy in Wellington sent a clear, urgent message: the last repatriation flight to Germany would be departing on the fourteenth of April – you better get to the airport if you want to go home. It sounded quite final, as in it might be the last flight for a while.

I’m not on that flight. In fact, I did not even sign up to be brought back. Having a roof over my head and my boyfriend and his family around, I felt comfortable enough to make the decision to stay on the other site of the globe – as far from home as one could be. With the amount of foreigners on this island I am probably not the only one who neglected to rush back.

The initial plan was the following: I would stay in New Zealand, push the flexible flight from May to November and get back home for my birthday. Simple as that. I did not know how things would develop in New Zealand or what would happen after. I assumed I could figure it out along the way.

Six months in, it hasn’t become any clearer.

Meanwhile, my travel agency, busy with the number of requests they have to follow up on, has yet to reschedule my regular flight. Since the pandemic outbreak it feels like decisions are being made for me. I don’t know if it’s realistic to fly back to Germany in November. I am not sure at what price either. Would I be let back into New Zealand if I just went back to Germany for a few months? My decision to stay in New Zealand indefinitely is still outstanding.

How does one make a life changing decision? With an uncertain job and no established everyday life that comes with acquaintances and the knowledge if I would be able to survive with the much higher cost of living. No residency that gives you a sense of security that whatever you undertake in this country is not for nothing (like buying property). Let alone with an ongoing pandemic. This is a completely new factor to play into a decision like this. How is the country going to develop? Will I be better off here or in Germany? And if logic points to Germany, what does it matter if the heart is not sure of it? Apart from my family, why would I go back to Germany? Everyone seems to know their place there but me and unfortunately work is not the be all and end all.

Honestly, I feel utterly helpless to figure out what I want at this point in time. There’s a few things I put on my list of things I want to achieve, only most of them will take many more years. Woken up with a surge of motivation today I am positive that things will fall into place eventually and I will try and put in the effort to speed up the process.

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