I found myself avoiding you.
It must have been years since I last typed away freely on my blog. What came easy to me back then seems to be a rather strenuous process now. It involves me now knowing where to start, dabble towards what I am getting at, trying to gather a gist and then – realising that I am not producing the satisfactory outcome I aimed for – abandoning the sentences in a draft.
There was a time when I was able to spill words without second guessing. Those posts did neither have a great value nor meaning but – I was able to express myself, to tell a story and leave it here for me to find for years to come. And I often did. I revisited posts, written lightheartedly, giving away just enough for random strangers to learn a little bit about my life. Beyond that, the posts helped me to remember every little thing in-between the lines, things that were going on in the background, that I did not have the guts to share openly. It was an honest attempt to connect and relate to people, a retreat to reflect on reality and for the longest time pivotal point of my live.
Once you start guarding your thoughts from a certain audience it’s really hard to get back into the habit of sharing. These days I have a hard time putting thoughts into words no matter how trivial the topic. A self inflicted pressure to please my future self. I argue with myself why this of all things has a right to exist.
The fierce part of me, that has not been showing up often enough lately, won the argument this time. Filling my blog, putting in the hours, writing and restructuring – which I enjoy quite a lot – is something I value. It might help me feel less awkward about speaking my mind and sharing things that are not quite complete or perfect. It is certainly not a substitute to talking openly to people in person, but it’s a start. Typing down walls.